Dear Eddie

"The Perfect is the enemy of the Good"…otherwise known as "I'm not crazy, just broken."

Let me make this perfectly clear:  no one made me become sick with a mental illness, societal norms or cultural standards of beauty did not push me into being thin.  I have anorexia nervosa because the genetic markers to have anorexia nervosa are hardwired into my DNA (I can and will show y’all the original studies and all the subsequent conclusive replications of said study) , which in turn has been exacerbated into its current use as a coping mechanism by childhood bully abuse and other types of trauma in my life.   I have been beaten up by eating disorders my entire life, and have never been at peace with my plate.  I am not a model that is being pressured to be the thinnest.

What I am is someone who’s mental health has caved in to the pressure of being me.  Of being enough.  Of being my idea of perfection, or what I've been made to believe was my perfect.  Being “good enough” wasn’t acceptable to key people in my life, so they forced me to constantly overachieve and never to really enjoy being good at something.  Instead of enjoying the good things in life, I was made to believe that I had to try so much harder or it was all just no good.  Add that to depression/ anxiety and you have the perfect storm between my body and my head. What’s wrong with being perfectly imperfect?  “Good” is certainly, well….good….isn’t it?  It is.  But I still can’t “just eat”.

Someday I will.  Once the storm stops.