Dear Eddie

 No one praises me spontaneously, not when I was a kid, not even as an adult. I have to be actively starving myself to death before I am worthy of notice, I guess. And then it's just click the heart and forget it. The only time in the entirety of my life I do anything that is praiseworthy is when I lose weight. Even the significant others in my life never do it.  And yet, people keep telling me I need to give encouragement to others, sheesh...I've done that  my whole life.  

Anxiety, depression, and anorexia nervosa has me living in hell.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Eddy, again

It's not that I don't want to be at a "healthy weight", I want, need, and desire for that weight to be as small as possible.  That's one of the many issues that happens when you grow up being bullied and socially trained into believing that the body you were born with is completely horrible.  My intellect says that's fucked up, but the ED keeps patting me on the back and saying "Good job!".  It's the only thing that praises me.  I would like to change that. 
Read more

Dear Fred

 In one month, it is my 61st birthday.  I'd like to have spa time, just to get some aesthetic stuff done, such as lash extensions and have my eyebrows micro bladed.   I should really make an appointment, but I don't seem to be able to just pick up the phone and do it.  I'm also considering a short vacation trip to Ocean Shores...I know people there I could visit, and I love it there.  I really like just doing normal things right now, even if I'm by myself 💫
Read more

Dear Rita (shame on you, Eddie)

 "There is such a euphoric feeling when you feel in control" Yeah, but you aren't, are you? I had my follow-thru appointment with the dietician at my bariatric clinic last week.  She took my weight...I knew what she was going to say.  "Your weight didn't stablize, you've lost more.  Away with you to an inpatient program!" Well, maybe she didn't say anything like that last part.  But...... Away I go to inpatient.  Appointments have been made for an intake interview and paperwork is filled out and signed.  Damn it. Where is your control now?
Read more