Dear Eddie

 "When you train to failure, also known as "concentric failure," you reach the point at which whatever part of your body you're working out literally gives out (or fails) and you physically can’t complete another repetition with good form If doing another rep is possible, you haven't reached muscle failure." ~ definition from  the Very well Fit website

Have I trained my whole body to failure?  Yesterday, I was so incredibly fucking tired after workout, I could barely keep from passing out.  Today, I'm now below my lowest recorded weight, which was the number that brought on the epiphany that clued me in to think that there might be something wrong.  I don't want to go to inpatient, I'm not ready, but now I wonder if the reason that I don't want to is because I'm somehow afraid it will help and I don't want to fail at becoming fit yet again.  But……isn't that actually the definition of how I train?  I'm really having difficulty separating the ED brain from the Fred thoughts; sometimes they feel like they're one and the same.  With no definitive answers, everything feels like several shades of greyness. I keep asking myself “aren’t you ready yet?” and the answer is nearly the same each time “you’re fine, keep going”.