Dear Eddy

Why?!

I have a bad shoulder from a crash, burn, and dislocation on my regular bicycle about 8 years ago. I've gone from intense pain, rehab, and dealing with a frozen shoulder for about 6 of those 8 years. 

So when it's acting up very, very, VERY badly, what do I do?  Did I rest it this morning by abstaining from physical exercise?  Did I treat it gently?

No. 

Instead, I punish myself for having a bad shoulder by working out for 2 1/2 hours, telling myself that if I avoided doing my regular current workout and don't push myself, and if I took lots of over-the-counter pain remedies, I would be okay... 

Well, I did push myself.  True, I didn't push quite as hard (hollow laughter), but I didn't rest myself or pace myself, at all.  Cursing at myself and calling myself every rotten name I could think up for being so weak and worthless.  Refusing to even stop long enough to go to the bathroom when it felt like I was going to burst.

What I did was literally punish myself for having a bad shoulder and being in considerable pain.  That's so fucked up. 

And I don't know why.