Dear Eddy

Why?!

I have a bad shoulder from a crash, burn, and dislocation on my regular bicycle about 8 years ago. I've gone from intense pain, rehab, and dealing with a frozen shoulder for about 6 of those 8 years. 

So when it's acting up very, very, VERY badly, what do I do?  Did I rest it this morning by abstaining from physical exercise?  Did I treat it gently?

No. 

Instead, I punish myself for having a bad shoulder by working out for 2 1/2 hours, telling myself that if I avoided doing my regular current workout and don't push myself, and if I took lots of over-the-counter pain remedies, I would be okay... 

Well, I did push myself.  True, I didn't push quite as hard (hollow laughter), but I didn't rest myself or pace myself, at all.  Cursing at myself and calling myself every rotten name I could think up for being so weak and worthless.  Refusing to even stop long enough to go to the bathroom when it felt like I was going to burst.

What I did was literally punish myself for having a bad shoulder and being in considerable pain.  That's so fucked up. 

And I don't know why.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***ANOREXIA NERVOSA***

 Okay, that's out of the way.  This is my disclaimer/info post.  When needed, I'll refer folks back to this, just in case.  I'll give more info about me as needed. I warn y'all now...I take no responsibility if you think your actions were engaged by my words - manage your own triggers yourself, it will NEVER be my job to do that for you.  If you need help learning how to do that, go to a therapist.  If you don't like how, what, or why I post, you have the choice to leave.  You are welcome to shame me on your own social media. I don't care about likes or dislikes, or if I ever get any sort of audience, I do not care about any of that. Flouncy exit posts and comments designed to provoke me or shit on me or mine will be deleted, because it all boils down to one thing and one thing ONLY - It's. MY. Blog.   This is a non-fluffy, non-romantic diary to Eddie, my eating disordered head space, and Fred, my non-eating disorder "normal" brain.  I'm not an
Read more

Painful Excuses...⚠️very heavy triggers ⚠️

I couldn't work out today like I should of.  That sounds so cliché and a weak effort at making excuses.  I'm so torn apart on the inside.   I'm currently wearing eleven Salonpas patches all over my body because of the pain.   I'm unable to breathe very well because I'm so busted up on the inside.   I can barely walk and nearly fell more than once when trying to at least do yoga this morning.  I know some people say stuff like that to be dramatic or to be funny, but  I literally am torn up, and it's confirmed by doctors and physical therapists.  But my brain,  ohh my rotten brain tells me I'm weak, worthless, and a complete failure, and that I always will be a stupid fat cunt of a cow and a piece of shit.   It tells me that if I managed to do the yoga,  then I can get my fat ass up and do the rest.  My karate teacher years ago would call me up if I ever tried to take even just one day off from the seven days a week I spent in that place,  and let me know in n
Read more

Dear Eddy, again

It's not that I don't want to be at a "healthy weight", I want, need, and desire for that weight to be as small as possible.  That's one of the many issues that happens when you grow up being bullied and socially trained into believing that the body you were born with is completely horrible.  My intellect says that's fucked up, but the ED keeps patting me on the back and saying "Good job!".  It's the only thing that praises me.  I would like to change that. 
Read more