⚠️✨TRIGGER WARNING✨⚠️ This is a diary for my ED thoughts, feelings, gripes, and rants; if you're unable to cope with that, you can leave - it won't hurt my feelings.
Dear Eddie
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I'm in residential inpatient now to be rid of you.
I fucking hate you.
This is horribly, horribly awful and hard. You took me from my familia.
This is all your damn fault, Eddie and I. Hate. You.
Whenever I have/need to look at my food logs, check my lists, count calories like mad, and recheck to see if I've exercised enough and deserve it, all to figure out what to have for a meal, and just obsess, obsess, obsess until I'm tired of it, it's just so much less work just to skip it...not eating is so much easier. I'm wondering if Eddie came up with that to deter me from food.
Poor body image. I have a "phantom" muffin top; it's not really there, I got rid of it, yet I still feel it there. I'm pretty sure I can still even see it in the mirror occasionally. Years past, I remember looking at myself sideways in the mirror from time to time, grabbing the whole mess that was my stomach area in my hands an pressing it together between my palms, trying to pull out and away to the side, trying to hide it... so that I could see what I might look like with a small waist. Now, the "phantom" never goes away. Even when I know it has.
Wowie! I was this year's old today when I found out that there are hundreds, thousands even, of audiobooks posted to YouTube. This sure sparks a lot of joy for me. I love reading. I LOVE someone reading out loud to me. This happens rarely if hardly ever at all. The last time I was read to was in the fifth grade, Mr. Dunn, my teacher, read the entire Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings trilogy one hour at a time for the whole school year. Whenever I read these novels myself, I still hear Mr. Dunn's voicing the characters and I still pronounce the names and the odd languages the way he did. When someone reads out loud to me, everything else in my life just vanishes away and I'm Bilbo trying to save his own life by playing the riddle game...or I'm tripping down the yellow brick road, or I'm colonizing another world. Even poetry had me singing a Song of Myself. It seems to make troubles sink into the back nether regions in my mind, an...
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