⚠️✨TRIGGER WARNING✨⚠️ This is a diary for my ED thoughts, feelings, gripes, and rants; if you're unable to cope with that, you can leave - it won't hurt my feelings.
Dear Eddie
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I'm in residential inpatient now to be rid of you.
I fucking hate you.
This is horribly, horribly awful and hard. You took me from my familia.
This is all your damn fault, Eddie and I. Hate. You.
"When you train to failure, also known as "concentric failure," you reach the point at which whatever part of your body you're working out literally gives out (or fails) and you physically can’t complete another repetition with good form If doing another rep is possible, you haven't reached muscle failure." ~ definition from the Very well Fit website Have I trained my whole body to failure? Yesterday, I was so incredibly fucking tired after workout, I could barely keep from passing out. Today, I'm now below my lowest recorded weight, which was the number that brought on the epiphany that clued me in to think that there might be something wrong. I don't want to go to inpatient, I'm not ready, but now I wonder if the reason that I don't want to is because I'm somehow afraid it will help and I don't want to fail at becoming fit yet again. But……isn't that actually the definition of how I train? I'm really having difficult...
Hey there. It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm damn glad you're still around for me, and I'm very ready to get reacquainted with you. I'm nearly ready to hang out again, and to live and to laugh and to love once more. I have plans, and you are a part of them. Family, friends, and all the things I've always loved to do are coming back to me, and I can't fuckin' wait to be into all of the things. The joy will be pretty sweet, and soon I'll be at it all again. See you soon.
It's not that I don't want to be at a "healthy weight", I want, need, and desire for that weight to be as small as possible. That's one of the many issues that happens when you grow up being bullied and socially trained into believing that the body you were born with is completely horrible. My intellect says that's fucked up, but the ED keeps patting me on the back and saying "Good job!". It's the only thing that praises me. I would like to change that.
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